The Hoof on the Street: Caffeine Addiction

Star reporter Cornish Pastries ventured out into some of Cal Poly’s caffeine hot spots to investigate the truth behind the serious problem of student caffeine addiction.


Huh? When Indie Rock Comes to SLO

In the past couple of years, San Luis Obispo has been bumping to the tunes of big names in the techno/electronic music world.  It seems like every weekend, and weeknight for that matter there is another popular DJ spinning records at an over-advertised party.  When Indie-Rock artists Lady Danville, Scars on 45 and Jack’s Mannequin played a show at the Graduate on Tuesday night, students seemed to be confused about what this music was, why there was a piano and why no one was dancing.  Take a look (and a listen).

The Hoof Relationship Advice: Ask Evonne

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work: 7 Ways to Keep the Spark Alive

The Mustang Daily relationship advice column, Ask Alicia, recently published a story entitled “Long-distance relationships: Romantic or doomed?”  essentially explaining that long-distance relationships are dumb and are usually bound to fail.

Alicia Freeman, the highly qualified giver of this relationship advice admits in the first two paragraphs that she herself has never even been in a long-distance relationship.  As someone who has been in one (failed) long distance relationship, I am clearly much more qualified, and I am here to tell you that long-distance relationships CAN work.  All you have to do is follow these 7 tips.

1. Don’t visit each other.  As the old cliche says, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  Seeing your significant other often or at all just makes you want to be with each other more, which is impossible, thanks to the distance.

Also, most long-distance couples who are reunited for a visit also can’t keep their lovey dovey hands off of each other, which is uncomfortable for roommates, cashiers at the grocery store, professors, pastors and the guy at the bookstore who yells “GET A ROOM!” as you’re straddling each other in the chemistry section.

2. When you talk on the phone, make sure to tell each other every single detail of your day.  There is nothing more exciting than hearing that your love-bucket had to use the 1% milk at Starbucks this morning because the non-fat canister was empty but they were in a hurry so they didn’t have time for the barista (who’s name was Steven with a ‘v’ and not a ‘ph’ and looked really familiar but they’re not sure from where) to refill the non-fat canister and it nearly ruined their day.  The only thing better than hearing every minute detail that has no relevence to you, is hearing EVERY detail EVERY day.

3. Use technology to your advantage.  Constantly text and call each other to the point where you literally don’t have time for anything else.  You used to have to wait days for mail to go back and forth, but with texting, picture messaging, iMessaging, BBM, AIM, Hey Tell, phone calls, Facebook messages, Facebook wall posts, Facebook tags, Twitter, You Tube and Skype, you can utilize ALL these communication mediums at the same time and never spend a second apart!  This works especially well with long-distance relationships in college, because you won’t even have time to do those other cool things or meet all those other awesome people who might distract you from your true love!

4. Make the other person remember how great you are.  Sometimes when you’re apart from your significant other for a while, they can forget why it is they fell in love with you in the first place.  Don’t just send them flowers or beer to remind them, TELL THEM.  Communication is key in relationships, so tell them about all those girls that were trying to hook up with you at the party last night, or how your new guy friend you had lunch with told you how beautiful you were.  They need to appreciate what they have!

5. Don’t just talk,  DO something while you talk!  Couples that do together, stay together.  Try Skyping your boyfriend and bringing him with you to dinner in the cafeteria with your roommates.  Or maybe bring your virtual girlfriend to the bathroom with you while you go number 2 instead of that issue of Cosmo you found laying around.  It’s like you two are practically together!

6. Send care packages.  Everyone likes mail, so try sending a package with some of these items sure to win them over:

7. Don’t be faithful all the time.  This is the single most important tip to keeping sparks in your relationship.  If your lover thinks you may be with someone else, they WILL want you more.  Everyone has seen that someone who isn’t very good looking and blow them off, and then you see them the next day with that smokin’ babe and they look a whole lot more interesting.  The same principal works in long distance relationships.

The Hoof Talk On the Streets

The Wierd and Wonderful Napping Hot Spots of Cornish Pastries

The Hoof sat down with field reporter, superstar, and Cal Poly student, Cornish Pastries, to find out how he finds time to sleep while constantly investigating and reporting on Cal Poly’s most important news stories and maintaining a stardom lifestyle to the likes of Charlie Sheen.  He answered with only one short word, “Naps.”  We walked around campus to get a first hand view of the locations of these naps, and snapped photos of Pastries himself recreating the scenes.  Click the beds on the map below to find some useful tips and interesting stories.

The Best Halloween Costumes For You

What are you going to be for Halloween? Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who “don’t believe” in dressing up. We’ve heard all the excuses; I’m too old, I don’t have any ideas, I’m broke, I’m way too cool. Where’s the fun in that? This is college, and your Halloween costumes (we all know Halloween isn’t just one night anymore, it’s an entire weekend) are crucial.  The Hoof has put together this list of costumes that includes cheap and easy ideas for just about everyone and their mothers.

If you want to look provocative:

We’ve all been there. We want to be in the Halloween spirit, but we also want to look sexy enough to make some jaws drop. In the 2004 movie mean girls, Lindsay Lohan’s protagonist Cady makes the observation that Halloween is the one night a year when girls have an excuse to dress provocatively and “no other girls can say anything.” So ladies?  Here’s a few ideas:

  • Sexy Pumpkin (Because what’s sexier than a pumpkin…?)

  • Sexy Sponge Bob Square Pants (Ruining childhood memories, one square mini-skirt at a time.)

  • Sexy Mother Teresa (Naughty AND nice, anyone?)

Some other sexy ideas:

  • Sexy bus driver
  • Sexy French maid
  • Sexy French fry
  • Sexy prostitute
  • Sexy hobo
  • Sexy Ketchup bottle
  • Sexy menorah
  • Sexy Musty the Mustang
  • Naked (It’s only a matter of time before one friend tries to out-slut the other.)

If you don’t care what you look like as long as it isn’t G-rated:

You’re that guy.  You love attention, you love to party, and you think a giggle and an eye roll from one of the aforementioned girls looking at your costume will get you exactly what you want.  And you’re probably right.  Try these on for size:

Sperm (If you ever feel worthless, remember you were once the fastest sperm out of millions.)

Plug and Socket Couples Costume (This one is sure to shock a crowd.)

A Sex Organ (Ew, why do these costumes exist?)

If you’re too cool and ironic to dress up:

Halloween was so 4th grade.  And even then, you were too cool to dress up.  You’re so over this.  Now you’re conflicted because you’re too cool for a costume, but it would be so ironic to dress up, which would actually increase your level of cool.  Thankfully stores that are so trendy that they’re mainstream like Urban Outfitters and American Apparel know exactly how you feel.  Check it:

  • Nudist On Strike (Get it? You STILL don’t have to dress up.  So ironic.)

  • World’s longest beard (Because what hipster doesn’t love a good beard?)

If you think you’re really punny:

Every costume is way too cliche.  You don’t want to be a cat, a super hero or a cast member from Jersey Shore.  You have to gain respect with your intellectual friends while still having a good time and embracing your inner nerd spirit.  Here are some ideas:

  • A gold-digger (Wear all gold and carry a shovel.  Kanye has a song about it, so you know it’s awesome.)
  • A Drag Queen (Print out a picture of the Queen of England and attach it to a piece of cardboard.  Tie the cardboard to your leg with rope, and let her drag on the floor behind you.  So creative.)

If you want to be “that one a$$ hole” at the party:

There’s always one.  That guy who’s costume is just a little too far over the edge, but at the same time it’s the only one people remember in the morning.  It may be offensive and not entirely P.C., but you’re guaranteed a reaction.  And probably at least one drink poured on your head.

  • Muammar Gaddafi (Everyone’s favorite deposed supreme psycho dictator.)

  • A Republican Presidential Candidate (Put on a suit, an American flag pin and walk around saying whatever is on your mind.  Who knows, you might even end up an actual candidate!)

  • The other 1% (Represent exactly what Occupy Wall Street is demonstrating against.)


What are you going to be for Halloween?

Living at Cal Poly: Up Close and Personal

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Greek Life Under Investigation Following Student Complaint

CAL POLY SLO, CA- In what has been dubbed “the most shocking Greek scandal since the Fourth Crusade” by the Cal Poly President, the Student Life and Leadership office revealed Wednesday that ‘Greek life‘ members may have been involved in an after-school activity in which alcohol was present.

“If the allegations are true, this is an outrage,” said Greek life president Bo Ozy, “This type of reckless, embarrassing behavior will not be tolerated among college students, and especially not those in fraternities and sororities.”

Ozy has ordered a full investigation into this and any other rumored cases of alcohol being present at Greek events.

Hathway Avenue, the scene of the alleged alcohol sighting.

The investigation comes after a tip given to campus administration from a “concerned student” who happened to be walking on Hathway Avenue with some friends around 11:30 pm Wednesday night and passed by a house associated with a fraternity.

According to the eyewitness reports from students looking into the house through a crack in the blinds, the students in question were standing at opposite ends of a long table with red cups on it, throwing little white balls at each other.

A reenactment of the scene created from an eyewitness description.

A ball went into one of the cups and the student proceeded to lift the cup to his mouth and drink from it,” said an eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous for his personal safety.

“There are many levels of concern regarding this incident,” said Director of Student Life and Leadership Stephen Sheep.
One concern raised during the investigation, according to Sheep, has been the possibility of a sorority present at the fraternity house.  If the alcohol allegations are true, this would mean that students of both sexes were consuming the alcohol together.

According to the Cal Poly Greek life policy on co-ed meetings, “any outside-of-school activity in which there are both males and females present at the same time must gain approval by the board prior to the event.”

Neither fraternity or sorority in question would respond to The Hoof’s attempts to contact for comment.

While the investigation is under way, the entire Greek system has been ordered to cease and desist all activities. The judicial hearing, which is scheduled for this Friday, will determine the responsibility of the Greek system and the university’s subsequent actions.

“I just want to protect the clean and safe reputation of the Greek community, and maybe get invited to an outside-of-school activity every once in a while…” the anonymous eyewitness said.

Cal Poly officials intend to release the findings of the investigation within one week.

The Hoof On the Streets: DJ Tiësto

Tiësto Found Dead in Avila Beach Hotel Room

AVILA BEACH, CA- Tiësto, Dutch electronic dance DJ, musician, and record producer, was found dead early this morning in his Avila Beach hotel room.

Early reports have found that the DJ, who was scheduled to perform tonight at the Avila Beach Golf Resort, was poisoned late last night by a substance that closely resembles rodent poison.  There is no word yet on if the show will be canceled.

“The full report is not in, but we do know that the man ingested a poisonous substance that lead to his death,” said Dee Funct, the San Luis Obispo coroner.

Tiesto playing in Avila Beach, California

Tiësto, born Tijs Verwest, was “…a performer who has transcended musical genres to create a global ‘Tiësto’ brand. His achievements include a Grammy nomination, numerous MTV awards, performing at the opening ceremony of the 2004 Athens Olympic Games, and even a wax statue at Madame Tussauds. With over 7 million followers on Facebook and over 130 million hits on YouTube, Tiësto has truly become a universal phenomenon,” said his own bio.

“His accolades could be the very reason for someone to try and poison him,” said case Detective Noah Klue, “This definitely doesn’t seem like an accident or a suicide.”

Deadmou5 doing his thing.

Found at the scene were two black “X”s, a trademark of competitor and fellow DJ, “Deadmau5”.

Tiësto and Deadmou5 met while working together on In Search of Sunrise 6: Ibiza, Tiësto’s sixth album in the In Search of Sunrise series.

Sources close to Deadmou5 have told us that he was upset that Cal Poly students and SLO residents invited Tiësto to perform instead of himself.

“Everyone knows that the only party place in the world bigger than Ibiza is San Luis Obispo,” said Deadmou5’s long time friend and fellow DJ, Skrillex, “So it makes sense that Deadmau5 was upset that he didn’t get to play there.”

“The black “X”s, along with the rodent poison and the background motive make Deadmou5 a prime suspect,” said Detective Klue.

The mau5 has reportedly been taken into custody for questioning until further evidence is collected.  It is still unclear as to whether the DJ is a man or in fact a dead mouse.

The music world, along with SLO residents and people everywhere, is shocked and shaken by the loss of the man DJ magazine called the “World’s Number 1 DJ” three years in a row.





New Cal Poly News Blog Goes Viral

The Hoof's homepage with all of it's content.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA – A new news blog galloped into the cyberworld at record speeds following its launch earlier this week.

The Hoof has received over one million hits per day since its Tuesday launch, and is claiming to be “Cal Poly’s Finest News Source.”

“The Hoof is an improvement over the Mustang Daily, The Tribune, and The New York Times in both readership and awesomeness,” said Eve Teitelbaum, a second year Journalism major who created the blog,  “Cal Poly students, SLOcals, Congressmen, and Americans alike are getting their most important and reliable news from The Hoof.”

In its first two days, the blog has reached national attention and has even been endorsed by Steve Jobs and Walter CronkiteThe Hoof has no content yet, but is said to feature field interviews, investigative pieces and expert commentary on things that may or may not happen.

Juliet Knox, a Cal Poly second year biomedical engineering major thinks that the blog and the craze surrounding it is “F(#^*#g  sh&(*y because there’s nothing on the [darn] blog besides a picture of a f*&#&g* horse.”

Despite the lack of content, there is already somewhat of a cult following to the site.

“My friends and I haven’t slept in 48 hours because we can’t stop reading…well looking at…The Hoof.  I haven’t done any of my AP homework and I probably won’t get into college now, but its worth it,” said Simone Faith, a high school senior from Orange County.

Maher’s defaced issue of the latest Mustang Daily.

Faith isn’t alone.

“It’s difficult to remember how I ever found joy before The Hoof,” said Tara Maher, a second year Cal Poly English major, “The Mustang Daily just didn’t satisfy my needs.”

Along with the popularity of the blog, Hoof field reporter Cornish Pastries has experienced an instant rise to fame.  A week ago Pastries was a Cal Poly student with very few friends, who spent his time giving Cribs style tours of his home to himself and yelling at WOWies through car windows. Today he is the most “liked” celebrity on facebook, and has more twitter followers than Morgan Freeman.

“It’s mind blowing,” said Pastries, “Girls wouldn’t look at me before, and now there’s a literal line out my door of girls trying to get up on this [grabs his male parts].”

The Hoof has big plans for future stories and expansion, said Teitelbaum,  “I’d just like to thank all of The Hoof‘s followers, and promise that you will not be disappointed with what is in store.”

The Hoof On the Streets